Strange People Are Strange

An AvalancheFor months now, our neighbor across the street has been freaking me out, but I can’t put my finger on it. It’s either creepy, for illicit reasons, wasteful, or something. What, you’re probably wondering after two sentences, can he possibly do for so long to make me feel that way?

He sits in his Chevy Avalanche for hours on end at all hours of the day – with the engine running, often in reverse or with his brake lights on. I’ve seen him at 5am doing this and as late as 11:30pm and every time in between. I’ve left the house at 11am and returned 2 hours later to see him sitting in the same spot in front of his house with the engine still running. At night, I’ve seen him sitting in his driveway with the engine running, in reverse, with his foot on the brake pedal and his headlights shining on his garage door for 45 minutes before pulling out and leaving.

We’ve spoken once or twice. I know it’s not his only house. I know he has a “thick woman” (from the Marriage Ref) with a kid and a big momma who has only been sighted in a mu-mu a dozen times in two years.

I simply can’t think of any reason in the world why you would have to sit in your running vehicle that already only gets 20mpg when moving and 0mpg when sitting idling at your house. What could possibly be so special about the truck that isn’t available inside? There’s no bathroom, no refrigerator, no big screen TV.

Here are my best guesses:

  • Maybe his wife/girlfriend wears the pants and holds the remote so he has to watch DVDs on his in-dash DVD player.
  • Maybe he hates the idea of “going green” even more than I do.
  • Maybe he has a girlfriend that lives at his other house, so he sits and talks to her on his cell phone rather than risk the conversation inside.
  • Maybe he has some illegal activity going on and the truck is the safest place to do that business so his mu-mu momma doesn’t crack him over his skinny little butt with a wooden spoon. I sure can’t afford two houses and support a mu-mu-wearing momma.
  • Maybe I’ve seen too much Perry Mason, Matlock, Murder She Wrote, Law & Order, and Monk. I could totally write a crime show script based on this behavior.

Any other bright ideas about what he could be doing? All I know is that if I were one of those neighborhood security cops, I’d be at his truck door every day asking him what he’s doing. Heck, I’d walk right by the truck and knock on the house door and ask them if they are aware of the strange man sitting in the truck outside with the engine running.

  • Jerry

    That’s either hilariously weird or weirdly hilarious.

    Could be that he can’t get cell reception inside.

    Could be that he gets better wifi reception there and he’s hacking into his neighbors’ computers & using them to spam up.

    Perhaps the mu-mu momma smokes and he can’t stand it, but she’s too heavy to toss through the door.

    Whatever it is, it’s pretty odd.

  • Jerry

    I mean using the neighbors’ computers to spam US. LOL!

  • Disco Strangler

    Perhaps he is the author/creator of a ridiculous blog (much like this one here), and he has been shamed into (quite rightly so) composing his inane articles and outrageous commentaries from outside the primary residence.

  • Dad

    Hey Jesse,
    I think you got yourself a real fan here! LOL!

  • http://www.cffatboy.com/ Jesse Petersen

    A real brave fan by the looks of the info provided (email@email.com).
    I won't moderate it because it's too funny. “Inane” made me laugh. I
    have a guess at who it is, too. The tone and form sounds familiar to
    an email I received in response to other posts.